Friday, 5 August 2011

Half-Baked - Linda Looked Lucidly

Sent: Tuesday, July 26, 2011 3:32 PM
Subject: Looking

Hi Linda

I'm Elena's friend.

So.  You.  What is it?


Hi Viv—thanks for responding.

After 3-5 days of reading the blogs & looking—feeling like I was looking real HARD to no avail, feeling the solidity of ME—I came to the seeing of ME as a thought form that overlays almost everything in my consciousness.  I am now seeing this ME-thought arise, over & over, sometimes following it for a while, then asking again, “Who?” or “what?”—then feeling a relaxing—there is a feeling of connection to everything, almost emptiness, quieter,  less thick/solid, more here.  Not the big EMPTYNESS I was looking FOR.




The reason that you don't get the big emptiness you were looking for or expecting... is that 'I' has always been a thought.

Nothing actually changes.  It's ALWAYS been a thought.

All that is different is that it is seen AS a thought.

So, when the belief is seen as a belief, what is left?  What is there in place of the assumption?

Which is it?

What is 'Awareness'?

How does noticing happen

Actually the noticing of the I thought feels like I notice & then the question Who comes again…from ME?  I don’t believe that—I have seen that I is a thought—will keep looking

Yeah, keep looking, but don't try to explain and think up concepts. 

Just look at this.  Whatever this is. And see if you can find a 'self/I' anywhere.  Any 'thing' that does whatever is happening.

A cause.

No cause—just thoughts, feelings popping up.  Feels very localized “here” though.

Where do you expect it to feel then?

Over there?

Somewhere else?

Are you expecting some kind of cosmic-merging experience?

Haha—got over the cosmic merging expectation (darn!) in the last few days—just not wanting to be fooling myself—feels like “this” is a point of view (not an opinion about what is viewed)

Yeah, of course it's a point of view.  It's how life lives as you.  Not you living life. 

Feels right—what a relief after the lifetime of striving for self-improvement & control of everything.  For the first few days on these blogs I couldn’t get enough—drawn to read & look, read & look.  That seems to have passed.  Now there is pretty much the same life-stuff w/ more relaxation, more spacious awareness happening.  Now?  Look deeper?  See what unfolds?

So, Linda - what is Self; what is I?

Is there one?

I is the thought of “me” that gets overlaid onto experience: my thoughts, my desires, my feelings, my doings—when really, only thoughts, feelings, doings occur in the flow of life.  No doer, thinker.  “Me” is just a thought.  OK  Last night: insomnia & intense feelings I would label fear (for a good while, 1-2hrs until sleep).  What “I” did was to look at the sensations—heat, contraction, pulsing in body, thoughts of wanting to not feel this, wanting to sleep—ask what was being shown.  I didn’t get any content with the experience as in what belief caused the fear.  There was feeling sensations & thoughts, making up stories to explain, the dropping of stories, over & over.

Is there a you?

What has happened to it?

What is the difference between life lived as a self and life without one?

No me—illusion—it didn’t go anywhere—like bambi’s mother didn’t die, the artist just stopped drawing her—the me thought arises & there is less “drawing” over & over the outline.
Not much difference in life—same thought patterns running, but there doesn’t seem to be as much Velcro—don’t believe them so they can pass by more quickly (sometimes).   Before, there was expectation of less mind chatter-- thought velcroed to the me thought, it seems, like the mystical union expectation—seeming like all expectations & memories are velcroed to the me thought

That's great Linda. You really see this.

Do you have any questions?

Thanks for the time & the pointing.
Has life changed for you?

Haha... that's an interesting question: Has life changed for me?

Yes and no.  (sorry!)

NO: because, life goes on, the shitty, boring, tragic, judgemental, shouty, angry, relaxed, funny stuff.  Shit happens.
YES: because, life goes on.... as above, but the perspective is different, I suppose.  And that's all that is different really.  Life has always been going on, but there was a belief that it was being done to a me,  That there was something at the centre of a life that life was happening to, but now it's just life and that thing that was thought to be there is just a phantom,  it's still there AS a phantom, and it's a pretty amazing phantom (just like all the other phantoms; like that saying "You're unique, just like everyone else"), but it's not central - it never was, it just felt like it.

There are some physical aspects that are different, which may have happened anyway: need much less sleep, have more energy, but I still drink like a fish!

I am less judgemental because things aren't personal, I don't judge people based on my subjective experience.  So I can kind of 'see' people and the mechanism that is at work in them to make them behave the way they do and say the things they do.  So with friends and family, I 'enjoy' them much more.  It doesn't mean that I won't disagree or argue when they are being rascist, whatever, but I don't have to be right and make them see that they are wrong.  In other words there is no-one 'at fault'.  People are the way they are, because that is the way life makes them.  Literally!

Paradoxically, I have much less patience for rudeness and bad manners, I don't like to see people ignoring others and won't play up to it, which has led to me leaving the service industry, because you can't be rude to difficult customers!

I'm generally much happier, even when I'm unhappy... if that makes sense.. and it probably doesn't!

Life is much more 'juicier' even when it's dull and boring.  There's a revelling in the 'dull and boring' too.

I couldn't find the meaning to living before, now I see there is no meaning to life other than life itself.

I don't take life seriously anymore, even when it appears to be very serious.

I'm not looking for anything anymore - and that's a relief.  There is literally, only this, so what more could there possibly be?

There is an underlying 'feeling' (although that's not the right word) of peace and joy (and they're not the right words).

It's amazing to BE alive.  To be, literally, aliveness.

And all these words don't explain it, at all.  Thank fuck.  It's not something that can be pinned down in an explanation.

How do you feel?

Hi Viv—I’m back at home & just reread your email—a lovely expression of “something”.  Or some “no-thing”.

I find there is this flip-flop from something like “open awareness”, being aware of whatever is in front of me, to involvement in the me-story, then a dropping back into recognizing me-as-illusion—over & over.  It’s interesting to watch the arising of the me-thought, see the attaching, then the detaching—but usually it happens too quickly for that—or my awareness isn’t focused there.  Still have the “I want to throttle me mother” stuff come up, but it doesn’t last very long (she’s doing well, BTW, thanks for asking).  Some nights I feel so much energy/love flowing thru body that I don’t fall asleep easily—this isn’t new—easier to watch that process—until I suddenly get up & take Benadryl.   I haven’t noticed needing less sleep.  Life is feeling more spacious, less driven.  Been listening to old Tolle CDs—they come in at a much different level (wrong words)—very drawn to this.

For years I have done spiritual healing .  I offered this approach to a client (face to face) last week—pulling out the root by looking to see if there actually is a separate me, rather than looking at old beliefs w/in me-story—(I sent her the blog sites, but don’t think she used them).  Got kinda bogged down, pulled into the intellectual level—me wanting her to see it.  I can see the advantage of the email approach & working with strangers.  I see how easy it is to think this stuff rather than see it—in fact I couldn’t distinguish the 2 until I could.  Pointers here?

On we go…..juicy, it is.

Love, Linda

Hi Linda

Glad to hear that your mum is doing well.

Re: the face the face thing, I've never tried directly, although I've started with the 'thoughts are just thoughts' thing with my brother. From what I've gathered with others it's very difficult mainly because people get intimidated/awkward/angry.  But you never know, if you're already in a client/healer situation, it might be a more effective set-up, but you'd probably have to assess whether they were open to looking  - some people just want a happier self!

A couple of questoins, Linda, if you don't mind:

1) What was it specifically that sparked the seeing, if there was something?
2) Is this something that you would want to get involved in i.e. pointing to others, either via email or on the Arena?  There is a facebook group, if you're on facebook that offers general support and a 'place' for people who have seen through the illusion to 'commune'.

Hmmm—what sparked the shift?  For a few days before we spoke I felt like I/me was slamming up against a wall over & over—concepts, identity—not sure what shifted to allow the concept of “me is only a thought” to the seeing of that—it just happened along w/ the struggle. And then I was still confused because I expected a MUCH bigger shift.   The most helpful thing you wrote was:
“The reason that you don't get the big emptiness you were looking for or expecting... is that 'I' has always been a thought. Nothing actually changes.  It's ALWAYS been a thought. All that is different is that it is seen AS a thought.”
I’d love to be involved with others who have seen thru & others who are wanting that—and my computer skills are minimal—“62 yr old pencil lover”, how’s that for an identity??.  I’ve never gotten on facebook (might be able to learn a new trick). I like the email format we used—leery of arena.  Where/how to start?  Any way besides facebook?  I can feel the pull to this involvement…If facebook is easiest, I’ll give it a go.  The friend who pointed me to the blogs in the first place mentioned working in tandem—which feels much better that doing it solo at first.

Hey, Linda

Thanks for that.

Firstly - there are several groups on facebook, so if you want to give it a go and register, my facebook name is (unsurprisingly!) viv westbrook, from there I can link you in to others and the groups.  But it's entirely up to you.

Secondly - who was the friend who pointed you to the blogs?

Thirdly - email is a good way to work (as you've seen!) but you need a way to get people to interact with you.  A blog is a good way to do that, if you can get on the blogroll or get a good readership.  That's why facebook is such a good method to use as you can quickly build a list of friends (they don't have to be 'real-life' friends and you can keep it separate from your everyday life if you want/need to).  It also gives you access to lots of different groups of people who are seeking - so you can post and invite people to contact you. A good first step is to join FB and then get added to the Nexus group which people join to both be 'pointed and to do the pointing.

But either way you decide - just go with what feels best for you and take it from there.

Fourthly - would you mind if I posted our conversation either to the Liberators group on Facebook or my blog?  Because as you've seen, making conversations like this accessible to other people can be helpful. But I perfectly understand if you'd rather not.  The important thing is that the seeking is over for you and you see it!

Hi.  Elizabeth Dunn pointed me to the blogs.  Sure, post our conversation.  I’ll find you on facebook when I get there.
Thanks for your help.  I may be checking in again—you never know.
Love, Linda

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